PINECRONE WOODS

and the morning and the morning

2011-04-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

the sunlight brightens the top of the pine trees
and I wait for it to brighten me
and I sing
and I sing
and I sing

the shadows begin their day of play
dancing in and out of the sunlit green
and they dance
and they dance
and they dance

Deer moves slowly into the scenery
grazing on the freshly sprouted spring grass
and they graze
and they graze
and they graze

Birds at my feeders, busy in their morning
vying for the fresh seeds
and they flutter
and they sing
the same song as I do -
we sing the Love of the Universal Spirit.

Marylu Magnuson
c. April 2011

LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF

2011-03-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

There was a nurse once in a psych hospital I was vacationing in, that saw me talking to another girl, and this girl was really hurting and crying, so I reached over and gave her a big hug.
Well, this nurse came right over to us, told me to not hug her, that I had a laundry list of things I needed to take care and didn’t need to add to it with this girl’s crap. Really pissed me off!
That phrase has entered my thoughts a few times since then…laundry list of things I need to take care of.
I can look back now and see that this nurse (a male nurse) was absolutely right. I was there BECAUSE of my laundry list and all I would have been doing was adding to it if I tried to take on this girls problems.
I was also avoiding my laundry list by wanting to comfort all the other whackos on the unit.
That was not my role there.
I still don’t think that little hug was stepping over my boundaries, I was feeling her pain and wanted to reach out, probably because her pain was very familiar to me (don’t remember now).
However, the male nurse knew what he was talking about.
I didn’t see it that way then. I was so pissed off at this guy, that I sat in my room for hours, on the pity pot, fuming and raging. I thought that maybe one thing on my laundry list was not connecting with people, so I used that to justify my anger and self-pity. Poor me…every time I try to do something right, I get yelled at!!!
Now I would love to tell that male nurse how much my LAUNDRY LIST has shrunk and how right he was.
Anyway for everything there is a season, and there are times to reach out and hug and there are times when you need to turn that love you are feeling inward.
Learning to love myself has been and is going to be one of my greatest graces from God. You all know what it feels like to despise who you are. THAT was hell.

LIVING IN TRUTH

2011-03-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

Keeping AA Secret?

I have come across this recently and I am totally baffled by it. A person I know is keeping their involvement in AA and everything involved a SECRET from their loved ones and social circles. From what they have shared, they go to great lengths to hide their AA program. I am having a very hard time understanding them.

So these are my idea of keeping your AA program a ssshhhhh secret.

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
John 8:32

Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth.
Ludwig Borne

There are (only) two mistakes one can make along the road to truth…not going all the way, and not starting.
Buddha

Everything will line up perfectly when knowing and living the truth becomes more important than looking good.
Alan Cohen

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
Confucius

Tell the truth. Sing with passion. Work with laughter. Love with heart. ‘Cause that’s all that matters in the end.
Kris Kristofferson

Being vulnerable doesn't have to be threatening. Just have the courage to be sincere, open and honest. This opens the door to deeper communication all around. It creates self-empowerment and the kind of connections with others we all want in life. Speaking from the heart frees us from the secrets that burden us. These secrets are what make us sick or fearful. Speaking truth helps you get clarity on your real heart directives.
Sara Paddison

This above all; to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
William Shakespeare

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
Gloria Steinem

Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.
W. Clement Stone

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.
Mark Twain LOVE THIS ONE!

What I know for sure is that you feel real joy in direct proportion to how connected you are to living your truth.
Oprah Winfrey

I don't think I could say it any better!

Love Peace Light and Laughter
Marylu

ACCEPTANCE PRAYER

2011-03-17T11:28:00.000-07:00

I LOVE THIS PRAYER AND WANT TO SHARE IT WITH ALL OF YOU:

God, more than anything else in this world, I just don't want to be sick anymore.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (people, places and things).
The courage to change the things I can (me),
And the common sense to know the difference.
God help me to stay clean and sober this day, even in spite of myself. Help me to stay sensitive to my own needs and the things that are good for me, and to stay sensitive to the needs of others and the things that are good for them.
And if You please, God, free me enough of the bondage of self that I may be of some useful value as a human being, whether I understand or not,
That I may carry my own keys, maintain my own integrity, and live this day at peace with You, at peace with myself, and at peace with the world I live in, just for today.
God help me during this day to demonstrate that:
It is good for me to love and to be loved.
It is good for me to understand and to be understood.
It is good for me to give and receive.
It is good for me to comfort and to allow myself to be comforted.
And it is obviously far better for me to be useful as a human being, than to be selfish.
God, help me please help me to put one foot in front of the other, to keep moving forward, and to do the best I can with what I have today,
Accepting the results of whatever that may or may not be.

MY STEPS 1, 2, AND 3

2011-03-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

3-13-11

Here I am...day 15 of sobriety. Reality is ebbing back in, my old self is fighting to get back in, and I am walking beside my HP.

I have done Steps 1 and 2 to my satisfaction, for now. I've worked on them for two weeks and feel I admit, accept, and understand that I am an alcoholic and drug addict. Step 1 wasn't that hard for me. I wrote all of it out, telling my story as far as a time line and what I was doing through the years. I made sure I understand exactly what I am admitting. I made sure I understand what alcoholism is. And I made sure I understand, at least a little, what AA is all about.

Then I went to the unmanageability part and that wasn't too hard either. I have known for a long time how messed up I was and how badly I was screwing up my life. It isn't hard to find examples of how my alcoholism had progressed and my life was spiralling down.

Step 2 is more challenging. I know I have searched for many years to find a spirituality, never looking much farther than a whiskey bottle. Delved into a few different philosophies, different religions. I shouldn't say delved, I doubt if I completed one book on any of them. I barely scratched the surface. I realize now, its because I had no clue what spirituality is or could be for me. In doing step 2, I have a much clearer understanding of that.

Spirituality is to me now having a connection to the Universe, to my HP. It is believing and trusting in that connection to guide me in what I need to do as a grateful, sober alcoholic. And it is having a conscious contact with that higher power throughout my daily life. Spirituality to me is integrity...a wholeness.

I have become much clearer on what my HP is...something I can understand, relate to, and open my heart to. My HP is Love. I am but one focus of that Universal Love.
And as I take this journey, with my hand in my HP's, I will do my part as a human being and I have faith my HP will do what I cannot do alone. With that belief, I feel I have taken step 3...and my decision to walk hand in hand with my HP, and with AA, is made.

Wolf Song (Just call my name I'll be there)

2011-03-10T07:51:00.000-08:00

Wolf song (Celtic version)

2011-03-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

LEAVING PINK CLOUD, ENTERING FOREST

2011-03-08T06:57:00.000-08:00

I am 10 days sober today and life is good. I am right with my HP this morning.

My pink cloud is dissipating and gently lowering me to the solid Earth where I will stand on my own two feet. I can see the blue skies above me and the ground not far below me now. The blue sky is my Spirit and the Earth is my physical body and mind.

I am being lowered into a beautiful forest wilderness. There are many trails to follow, not only designated trails but also deer trails. Both are necessary for me on this journey. The designated trails, of course, are the traditional paths of recovery, i.e. the AA and 12 step program. I will need this trail 99% of the time at the beginning of this trek. I understand that if I want to have a better life, I have to work my steps, go to meetings, and help others.

That other 1%? Well, I found a short deer trail that leads back to the main trail and I followed it. That means, I am reading and exploring many things that are not AA. For example, I am reading about “holistic recovery”, or “creative recovery.” I am also interested in learning about Tai Chi. This is what I call “going off the trail and making my own way through the timber.”

This is actually all true in a real forest. I am so blessed as to live in a pine tree forest. I have hiked and walked these woods many times. There are times when I do follow a designated path. Those are usually good for seeing historical sites and some beautiful scenery.

I have also followed the deer trails, which sometimes are hard to see if you don’t know what to look for. Deer will follow their own trails many times so in some places the way is clear. But these ways come and go and you can lose them. These paths have shown me unusual nature and even more beautiful scenery.

And THEN, there are times when I see something, an unusual tree, a higher vantage point, a hill that has another side. This is when I leave all paths that are already made and I make my own. I am a path-blazer!

I am told that for at LEAST a couple of years I need to stay on or close to the designated trails and even after that, I need to know where those trails are at all times and find them again if necessary. I believe totally that AA is where my HP brought me because I am ready this time. If I trust my HP and I am ready, then I need to commit to this for as long as it takes.

Peace, love and light!

Conscious Contact with HP

2011-03-06T14:37:00.000-08:00

I am so right with my HP today. This is so amazing and truly proof to me that there is a power greater than me that will restore me to sanity, awaken my mind, and give me peace, love, and joy.

Today is 7 beautiful, joyous days of sobriety. This whole week has been a miracle for me. And for me to sit here and tell you that I believe in my HP with everything that is me? Wow!

I heard a speaker talk about "conscious contact with God" and I thought ya know, I really need to know how to be in conscious contact with my HP. Later that day it became so clear for me how to do that...it was just THERE! I have found a way to stay in conscious contact with my HP 24/7.

No one told me this and I didn't read it anywhere. So I know my HP put that knowledge in my mind and heart because I so wanted to be able to, in a second, be in conscious contact. I can't explain it and probably wouldn't if I could...

Now HP and I have been inseparable all week and we have had a lot of "meetings." HP has shown me some amazing things and led me to some really cool wisdom...not all of it AA, but I was shown that all of it can be used to expand my spiritual recovery program and that I needed to decide what was there for me and leave the rest.

After each little thing that spoke to my heart and mind, I sat with HP and waited for that "knowing" if it would be right for me and my recovery or not. My HP is letting ME choose, and then telling me if it will be a tool I can use in my recovery program and my life, or something that isn't for me and I can leave it. I believe my HP is telling me this: there is much wisdom in the world and many beautiful things.

There is a nugget of good in every experience.

Receive what God wants you to have, and let the rest go. It is not yours to have. If God wants you to have joy, then the resentments are not yours to own. Let them go.
If God wants you to have serenity, then the anger and regrets are not yours anymore. Let them go.
Its like God will trade you and what a deal!!! I will give you peace and you will give me your anger. Isnt that awesome??? In recovery, we learn to listen to our inner wisdom (HP) and reacquaint ourselves with what we know to be right and true for ourselves.

I have an attitude of gratitude this morning, I am right with my HP and life is good!

God, show me what is mine, and give me the wisdom and strength to set aside all else. Amen

Affirmation: I open myself to be fed by love in the forms that speak to my heart, and I release everything that does not belong to me.

Bright blessings to all of you and thank you thank you thank you for being here!

Shared 3-5-11 10 am meeting

2010-09-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

"It is time to remember you are the dream-maker, that until you place before the universe the dream you wish to walk, it cannot be."

2009-09-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

I see no one has visited my blog yet, but in case anyone does, I am still here. This is a slow process for me so bear with me. I promise this will be something you will want to come back to, so please subscribe.
Mitakuye Oyasin
PineCrone