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Mitakuye Oyasin
PineCrone
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
It has been a very long journey. It is time to come home. The long journey has always led to here. I feel humbled and blessed.
I have awakened to a new world. I have awakened to world without drugs and alcohol. What a beautiful world it is! It is beautiful because it is not just the world I see outside of me, but the world inside of me. I can see myself without the booze and the pills. That has never been visible to me before.
I have permission to let go of the past. I have permission to not fix the past. I have permission to live only in today’s sunlight. I have permission to spend my day as I want to…not as I need to, or as I should, or as anybody wants me to. Just me.
And ya know…without the substances, I am a pretty smart cookie! I guess I must be because after all the years I spent stupid, I found my way here. Where is here? Well, let me tell you.
Here, physically, is in the beautiful Black Hills of South Dakota. I have lived in South Dakota since 1992 and in the Black Hills since 1996. I live in a trailerrrrr with my husband, Rick, and my son Jaymes. Jaymes is 23 and there is a long story why he is still living at home that may or may not be written someday (he would kill me if I did).
Rick is a journeyman plumber and as I write this, he is working in Chadron, Nebraska. He leaves Monday morning and comes home Thursday evening. At first, I hated him not being here. But for the past couple years he has been working out of state, and I am beginning to cherish my time to myself.
Jaymes is a wonderful roommate, we get along actually better than Rick and I.
I also have a daughter, Sarah, who has blessed me with two grandchildren. Raven is 16 and is the outcome of my mother’s curse on Sarah LOL. Raven is a beautiful young woman, just 16 and that pretty much says it all.
My grandson, Ross Kyle, is 4 ½ years old. My sugar booger, my monkey boy, my cutest brutus. He is quite the handful, but his Nina (me) loves him thissssssssssss much!!!
So that’s where I am family wise. My parents have both passed. My brother has passed. I have a sister living in Wyoming but that may or may not be another story down the road.
Physically here, also, is in my bedroom at a make-shift desk, next to a window, laptop in front of me, Celtic music playing, dishes are done, bed is made, Pepsi is in the glass with ice. The window I am sitting next to looks out on about 50 feet of lawn, a propane tank, and then I can see about a city block of pine trees going up a slight hill. There is a path to the right of the trees that goes up into the forest and it is what I call my Darwin loop (another story).
I do not work outside the home. Well, I don’t work inside the home either LOL. Everything I do now is because I want to do it. Its like a Zen thing. I love my home and I love for it to be inspiring and meaningful to me. I clean as I go and spend my day reading and studying and playing and just being.
My bedroom is my sanctuary, my temple, my altar, my hangout. It has in the past been my hospital room, my hole, my hideout, my escape. It has been my recovery room and my treatment room. It has been my tavern, where I could sit and drink for days. It has been my drug den, where I could sit for days and take my pills and do stupid tweaky things.
Now it is my meditation room. It is my dream room where I sleep peacefully. It is my den and my library where I can read and study and listen to music till the cows come home!
Rick sleeps here too when he is home and he has a third of the closet, but I don’t like having to share. His temple is the living room with his TV, DVD player, and fridge full of beer and brats. I don’t spend much time out there and he spends only sleep time in MY room. Sex, too, is a thing of the past, with no love lost on my part…sorrryyyyyy.
Where my head and heart are is where the new world comes in. I have been feeling things returning from my childhood that I had forgotten…like my childlike awareness of everything around me. One of my childhood dreams was to live in the mountains. I knew that dream had come true in 1995 when I moved up into the Black Hills. Now that dream is fast becoming no longer a dream but a reality. For many years I walked around in a daze, just couldn’t believe I lived in the Black Hills. The beauty of waking up has been accepting the dream as real. I don’t know whether I didn’t feel like I deserved to live up here, whether I was overwhelmed, or whether I was just plain screwed up on “the substances,” but I just couldn’t connect with what I had around me.
I think the Goddess has told me its time to do something with my dream…something real. What that is, I have not a clue. I do know that at the beginning of August when I was able to purchase my laptop, things started happening, and I began to wake up. For the past several days I have been on a trail, following my nose, and here I am. I have been online for several years, but for the last seven years I had a computer that had dial-up internet and I could hardly do anything but play games online (go Pogo!!). About the middle of July, Rick and Jaymes came to me and asked me if instead of getting a new PC, I would like to get a laptop. I said no of course.
I’m getting used to having wireless broadband internet and also a mousepad instead of a mouse. The mousepad is okay, but I got hooked up with a real mouse and I have to admit I do like it a lot better. Plus, until a few days ago, I sat in bed with the laptop on a tall stool beside the bed. Lo and behold! I gave it some THOUGHT and came up with this make-shift desk right next to this awesome window, and I can sit in an actual chair. I have a TV in front of me. It doesn’t get turned on much anymore. I can watch movies and do just about everything on my laptop. Life is pretty damn good right now!
When we bought this trailerrrr and before we moved it up into the Hills, I bought a wall plaque that says: “If you are lucky enough to live in the Black Hills, you are lucky enough.” I sure feel kinda lucky.
Mitakuye Oyasin
c. Sept 2009
Marylu Magnuson
I have awakened to a new world. I have awakened to world without drugs and alcohol. What a beautiful world it is! It is beautiful because it is not just the world I see outside of me, but the world inside of me. I can see myself without the booze and the pills. That has never been visible to me before.
I have permission to let go of the past. I have permission to not fix the past. I have permission to live only in today’s sunlight. I have permission to spend my day as I want to…not as I need to, or as I should, or as anybody wants me to. Just me.
And ya know…without the substances, I am a pretty smart cookie! I guess I must be because after all the years I spent stupid, I found my way here. Where is here? Well, let me tell you.
Here, physically, is in the beautiful Black Hills of South Dakota. I have lived in South Dakota since 1992 and in the Black Hills since 1996. I live in a trailerrrrr with my husband, Rick, and my son Jaymes. Jaymes is 23 and there is a long story why he is still living at home that may or may not be written someday (he would kill me if I did).
Rick is a journeyman plumber and as I write this, he is working in Chadron, Nebraska. He leaves Monday morning and comes home Thursday evening. At first, I hated him not being here. But for the past couple years he has been working out of state, and I am beginning to cherish my time to myself.
Jaymes is a wonderful roommate, we get along actually better than Rick and I.
I also have a daughter, Sarah, who has blessed me with two grandchildren. Raven is 16 and is the outcome of my mother’s curse on Sarah LOL. Raven is a beautiful young woman, just 16 and that pretty much says it all.
My grandson, Ross Kyle, is 4 ½ years old. My sugar booger, my monkey boy, my cutest brutus. He is quite the handful, but his Nina (me) loves him thissssssssssss much!!!
So that’s where I am family wise. My parents have both passed. My brother has passed. I have a sister living in Wyoming but that may or may not be another story down the road.
Physically here, also, is in my bedroom at a make-shift desk, next to a window, laptop in front of me, Celtic music playing, dishes are done, bed is made, Pepsi is in the glass with ice. The window I am sitting next to looks out on about 50 feet of lawn, a propane tank, and then I can see about a city block of pine trees going up a slight hill. There is a path to the right of the trees that goes up into the forest and it is what I call my Darwin loop (another story).
I do not work outside the home. Well, I don’t work inside the home either LOL. Everything I do now is because I want to do it. Its like a Zen thing. I love my home and I love for it to be inspiring and meaningful to me. I clean as I go and spend my day reading and studying and playing and just being.
My bedroom is my sanctuary, my temple, my altar, my hangout. It has in the past been my hospital room, my hole, my hideout, my escape. It has been my recovery room and my treatment room. It has been my tavern, where I could sit and drink for days. It has been my drug den, where I could sit for days and take my pills and do stupid tweaky things.
Now it is my meditation room. It is my dream room where I sleep peacefully. It is my den and my library where I can read and study and listen to music till the cows come home!
Rick sleeps here too when he is home and he has a third of the closet, but I don’t like having to share. His temple is the living room with his TV, DVD player, and fridge full of beer and brats. I don’t spend much time out there and he spends only sleep time in MY room. Sex, too, is a thing of the past, with no love lost on my part…sorrryyyyyy.
Where my head and heart are is where the new world comes in. I have been feeling things returning from my childhood that I had forgotten…like my childlike awareness of everything around me. One of my childhood dreams was to live in the mountains. I knew that dream had come true in 1995 when I moved up into the Black Hills. Now that dream is fast becoming no longer a dream but a reality. For many years I walked around in a daze, just couldn’t believe I lived in the Black Hills. The beauty of waking up has been accepting the dream as real. I don’t know whether I didn’t feel like I deserved to live up here, whether I was overwhelmed, or whether I was just plain screwed up on “the substances,” but I just couldn’t connect with what I had around me.
I think the Goddess has told me its time to do something with my dream…something real. What that is, I have not a clue. I do know that at the beginning of August when I was able to purchase my laptop, things started happening, and I began to wake up. For the past several days I have been on a trail, following my nose, and here I am. I have been online for several years, but for the last seven years I had a computer that had dial-up internet and I could hardly do anything but play games online (go Pogo!!). About the middle of July, Rick and Jaymes came to me and asked me if instead of getting a new PC, I would like to get a laptop. I said no of course.
I’m getting used to having wireless broadband internet and also a mousepad instead of a mouse. The mousepad is okay, but I got hooked up with a real mouse and I have to admit I do like it a lot better. Plus, until a few days ago, I sat in bed with the laptop on a tall stool beside the bed. Lo and behold! I gave it some THOUGHT and came up with this make-shift desk right next to this awesome window, and I can sit in an actual chair. I have a TV in front of me. It doesn’t get turned on much anymore. I can watch movies and do just about everything on my laptop. Life is pretty damn good right now!
When we bought this trailerrrr and before we moved it up into the Hills, I bought a wall plaque that says: “If you are lucky enough to live in the Black Hills, you are lucky enough.” I sure feel kinda lucky.
Mitakuye Oyasin
c. Sept 2009
Marylu Magnuson
FULL CIRCLE
I craved the forest when I was small.
I remember the feeling and I heard the call.
I knew that something special grew,
But as years passed, I forgot I knew.
I struggled then for years and years.
I killed the pain and hid the fears.
I pretended that I didn't know.
I didn't want my Self to show.
Finally the answer came;
I heard the Goddess call my name.
Once again the forest beckoned me;
the mountains I wanted so desperately.
Then one morning I opened my eyes;
Joyous and grateful were my cries!!!
In the Forest I now live.
With all my soul I now give.
I dedicate mySelf to Pagan Road
and thank Wild Woman for my mountain abode.
Now the path I see is clear.
I know the Guides have led me here.
The Earth, my Mother, gives me life.
I now live daily free of strife.
I've learned to listen to the voice deep within.
Full circle, I return to the forest again.
PinesMagick c. June 1998
I craved the forest when I was small.
I remember the feeling and I heard the call.
I knew that something special grew,
But as years passed, I forgot I knew.
I struggled then for years and years.
I killed the pain and hid the fears.
I pretended that I didn't know.
I didn't want my Self to show.
Finally the answer came;
I heard the Goddess call my name.
Once again the forest beckoned me;
the mountains I wanted so desperately.
Then one morning I opened my eyes;
Joyous and grateful were my cries!!!
In the Forest I now live.
With all my soul I now give.
I dedicate mySelf to Pagan Road
and thank Wild Woman for my mountain abode.
Now the path I see is clear.
I know the Guides have led me here.
The Earth, my Mother, gives me life.
I now live daily free of strife.
I've learned to listen to the voice deep within.
Full circle, I return to the forest again.
PinesMagick c. June 1998
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